The Traveling Brain

Written May 7, 2009

Well it's been awhile, not surprising. Someday I might actually learn discipline, but I'm not holding my breath.

I've continued working on my two projects and am even brain storming a third. This is great for a writing career, but I feel it is evidence of a dissatisfied mind as well. Things I love have been felling burdensome and my energy level just never comes back (though being pretty sick twice since I last wrote does give a bit of an excuse). I just can't seem to accomplish anything anymore and this has led to a deep discontentment with my life right now.

Now this doesn't mean I'm depressed or crying myself to sleep every night, it means I'm restless and unfocused. I still like my job, my home, my long weekends, the increase of sunny days (though it's brought an excess of pollen with it), and my lazy cat. What specifically is leaving me discontent? The sense there should be something more, that I should be doing something more.

Obviously I battle the Martha complex, add to that three years of seeing a purpose in front of me everyday (even if I didn't think I was doing well) and I'm feeling kinda stuck and just questioning things. Is writing really going to be worthy it? Yes I love delving into new worlds, languages, and minds and discovering the intense stories built in each of these. Yes I dream of being in print and getting my stories into the hands of avid readers longing for tales of magic and quests ingrained with Christian values. But will I ever be good enough to actually accomplish this? Will I ever have the discipline and finances to really see it through? Will I give up?

Part of me wants to scream NO, but another part of me, the overly practical, list making part sees all the ways I'm not cut out for this lifestyle which leaves me wondering. Did I mis-hear God? Is writing my passion and dream, but not what He has in mind for me? Or am I letting the enemy rob the joy of a godly passion?

Despite my doubts and nagging dissatisfaction, I am not quitting. I continue to write and to edit in between recovering from a new illness that strikes every few weeks (and never the swine flu so stop worrying) and the gradual increase of activities as the weather warms. I continue to re-read writing texts and think how to improve and laying my trepidations at the cross where they belong. Add to all that and I'm attending my first writer's conference this next week. It's real close, Estes Park, and Christian. I'm hoping this conference will provide the knowledge I need to go forward at this point, a few contacts, but especially a confirmation that I'm on the right course. This doesn't mean an agent falls in love with my idea or a publisher eagerly requests a full manuscript. This would just be a sense of comfort, an increase of passion, and an overall contentment in the environment of Christian writers and with my own writing (as desperate as it is for a professional editor).

My editor money is going to this conference so it probably won't be until the end of summer until I can get Isaiah sent out for a deep edit. But this could be good as I've been working through a text Self-Editing for Fiction Writers which came highly recommended from several writing sites. Taking my WIP through the steps in this book is slow, time consuming, and sometimes aggravating, but I'm really like the results. A clear story, easier to follow, and cleaner. Now I just need to figure out how to amp up the tension in the middle (yes, I suffer from the dreaded sagging middle), and I think I’ll have all the steps I know how to do so when I send my WIP to an editor she'll be finding things I haven't learned about yet and be able to see glaring plot issues rather than a mountain of amateur mistakes. I hope this will make the editing experience a true learning environment truly preparing me for the vicious publishing world and improved writing in general.

There's so much to learn and so many things I want to improve on, but each day is a struggle with the basics - joy, contentment, and basic self-discipline. My eyes are all around me searching for purpose even as my head and heart tell me, "Look up. In Christ alone is your purpose. Rest and take everything one step at a time. He knows what you need and when you need to learn it. Rest."