I spend so much time trying to DO something for God. To be important to him by my actions, to be needed and used and, dare I say it, special. But the more I do the less content I am.
I hear again and again how we must learn to rest in him, to patiently wait on Him, to trust Him. And I try, I really do. But I am failing quite miserably at it.
The last year I have felt useless. What am I doing to serve Him? to bring glory to His name? Nothing great. Nothing big. Just little things. I want to do more than the little things. (I don't sound like a spoiled little child, do I?)
If he cannot trust me with the little things why should I ever be worthy of doing "great" things? If I never sit down to listen to Him, open His word, talk with Him and just dwell on the awesomeness of God, can I ever truly bring glory to His name?
I doubt it. I might be able to work myself up into appearing important to other people, but I will never actually be "special". It would be a mirage that quickly vanishes. I want to be more than a mirage but I can't be.
Every breath brings me closer to the moment I vanish in the breeze. Every breath is a chance to change, to learn, to trust. Trust.
It is trust which will bring glory to God. I trust Him for my bread, my breath, my bills, my dreams, my purpose, even with my impatience and nagging questions. I will only learn to trust Him more by spending time with Him, by slowing my day and my mind and taking a few minutes or more and listening.
Reflecting.
Loving.
And then I realize. I will still never actually be special, because who can be compared to Him? And that's okay. He is special and perfect. He is life, Creator, King, Friend and my very heartbeat - and He loves me. Maybe I am a little special to be loved by one so great.
But then, we all are.
Check out the new free verse I posted in Perspectives.
Today I decided it was time to stop trying to maintain two blogs... especially two blogs on the same site. It's not like I'm great at this blogging thing anyway and maintaining two has proved impossible for undisciplined me.
Anyway, I moved all the blogs from my "Writing Life" blog over to this one. They'll be archived June 09, but I put the actual date written at the top of each entry. Maybe having just one will mean I do better with updates... maybe.
Guess it’s finally time to write about the writing conference I attended the second week of May. It was the Colorado Christian Writers’ Conference and amazing. I was exhausted and overwhelmed much of the time, but at the same time was affirmed in my craft, knowledge and call. Although this affirmation does not mean I suddenly know for certain I am “destined” to be a full time writer, it does mean I won’t be letting this dream go without a fight.
And what does this fight look like? It means attacking my “Isaiah” story and stripping it back down and tossing the ending (or moving the ending up since it’s not really strong enough to be a great climactic ending). It means cutting ¼ of what I wrote for that story and reorganizing the rest. It means, for this one WIP, I have a minimum of seven more months until it’s submission worthy and who knows how long beyond that until it’s publishable (if ever, though I’m pretty attached to this story so I don’t think it will ever fade into the background).
This fight also means learning something new – the dreaded short story. If the publishing world was hard before, it is now nearly impossible without a platform and some writing credentials. This means I have a lot to do such as figuring out how to get more people to read my blog (not sure how I’ll do that yet). Also, the magazine world is a bit easier to get into, though the pay is minimal if anything. Magazines prefer short stories. I don’t know how to write a short story. :p
So in the midst of redoing my “Isaiah” book, which has returned to its original title Hand of Freedom, I must start figuring out how to write short stories. Oh, and I haven’t left my “Talia” project yet, either. I guess I’m going to have to figure out this balance between projects pretty quick now or it’ll be ten more years before I get a book out. Of course, if I can figure out the balance and the short stories, this will also mean I’m getting more written and the messages in my heart are getting to people wrapped beautifully (I hope) in deep characters, exciting plot, and emotional relevance.
Well it's been awhile, not surprising. Someday I might actually learn discipline, but I'm not holding my breath.
I've continued working on my two projects and am even brain storming a third. This is great for a writing career, but I feel it is evidence of a dissatisfied mind as well. Things I love have been felling burdensome and my energy level just never comes back (though being pretty sick twice since I last wrote does give a bit of an excuse). I just can't seem to accomplish anything anymore and this has led to a deep discontentment with my life right now.
Now this doesn't mean I'm depressed or crying myself to sleep every night, it means I'm restless and unfocused. I still like my job, my home, my long weekends, the increase of sunny days (though it's brought an excess of pollen with it), and my lazy cat. What specifically is leaving me discontent? The sense there should be something more, that I should be doing something more.
Obviously I battle the Martha complex, add to that three years of seeing a purpose in front of me everyday (even if I didn't think I was doing well) and I'm feeling kinda stuck and just questioning things. Is writing really going to be worthy it? Yes I love delving into new worlds, languages, and minds and discovering the intense stories built in each of these. Yes I dream of being in print and getting my stories into the hands of avid readers longing for tales of magic and quests ingrained with Christian values. But will I ever be good enough to actually accomplish this? Will I ever have the discipline and finances to really see it through? Will I give up?
Part of me wants to scream NO, but another part of me, the overly practical, list making part sees all the ways I'm not cut out for this lifestyle which leaves me wondering. Did I mis-hear God? Is writing my passion and dream, but not what He has in mind for me? Or am I letting the enemy rob the joy of a godly passion?
Despite my doubts and nagging dissatisfaction, I am not quitting. I continue to write and to edit in between recovering from a new illness that strikes every few weeks (and never the swine flu so stop worrying) and the gradual increase of activities as the weather warms. I continue to re-read writing texts and think how to improve and laying my trepidations at the cross where they belong. Add to all that and I'm attending my first writer's conference this next week. It's real close, Estes Park, and Christian. I'm hoping this conference will provide the knowledge I need to go forward at this point, a few contacts, but especially a confirmation that I'm on the right course. This doesn't mean an agent falls in love with my idea or a publisher eagerly requests a full manuscript. This would just be a sense of comfort, an increase of passion, and an overall contentment in the environment of Christian writers and with my own writing (as desperate as it is for a professional editor).
My editor money is going to this conference so it probably won't be until the end of summer until I can get Isaiah sent out for a deep edit. But this could be good as I've been working through a text Self-Editing for Fiction Writers which came highly recommended from several writing sites. Taking my WIP through the steps in this book is slow, time consuming, and sometimes aggravating, but I'm really like the results. A clear story, easier to follow, and cleaner. Now I just need to figure out how to amp up the tension in the middle (yes, I suffer from the dreaded sagging middle), and I think I’ll have all the steps I know how to do so when I send my WIP to an editor she'll be finding things I haven't learned about yet and be able to see glaring plot issues rather than a mountain of amateur mistakes. I hope this will make the editing experience a true learning environment truly preparing me for the vicious publishing world and improved writing in general.
There's so much to learn and so many things I want to improve on, but each day is a struggle with the basics - joy, contentment, and basic self-discipline. My eyes are all around me searching for purpose even as my head and heart tell me, "Look up. In Christ alone is your purpose. Rest and take everything one step at a time. He knows what you need and when you need to learn it. Rest."
So how am I doing balancing two projects. Well, so-so. Tells you a lot, right?
It’s a struggle still. I have broken bits of ideas for what I’m currently writing, my “Talia” project, while I’m also reading editing books and going through my “Isaiah” project piece by piece (not much fun :p). This is making for some interesting crossover. I’ll be looking at how to add sensory details to a scene in my “Isaiah” project and just want to add this brilliant plot twist which would mean re-working the entire manuscript. Probably not a good idea. But then as I’m writing on my “Talia” project I find my critical eye is getting a little worse leaving me dissatisfied with many scenes because of weak description, not enough detail, or poor word choice. This leaves me dreading the actually creation process.
I haven’t given up yet, I’m just still trying to learn how to keep the explosion ideas focused on the “Talia” project and the critical eye focused only on the “Isaiah” project. One of those issues of balance that I’ve never been very good at.
I think my 3-day weekends will be a huge help in finding this balance and actually getting a decent amount of work done on both projects. I would love to have “Isaiah” ready for a professional editor by this summer (if I can save the money for it) knowing it is the best work I have ever done and as solid in all the pivotal areas (characterization, pace, description, dialogue and suspense) as I am currently capable of – but that means a lot more work is ahead of me for this project. I would also love to have the first draft of “Talia” completed at the same time so I can do the first read-through and broad edits (like plot holes, weak characters, and dropped threads).
At this point, though, I have barely 5,000 words on my “Talia” project and with a goal of 70,000 to 80,000 words, I’ve got a ways to go. Also, I’ve only gotten through 8 chapters of “Isaiah” and out of 38, that’s not much of a dent and I think the last two chapters I did I was too tired and probably should do them again. Argh.
But I am not quitting and I will go one step at a time, just like I’ve been learning in my personal life lately. And when I fail to complete a step, I get to try again. The world doesn’t end and my chance at “success” has not passed me by. My choice is to persevere even when I’m discouraged, even when life pulls me away and my body keeps me in bed for 12+ hours a day. I came back to the states to write and it would be pretty sad if I give up just because life hasn’t gone as smoothly as I’d hoped. Guess I’m finding how strong I am, or at least how strong I trust Him who made me.
It probably seems that I've dropped off the face of the earth, especially with my writing. Wasn't one of the reasons I returned to the states to write?? That's what I keep telling myself, but moving, grad work, and just settling into life seems to be pulling me by the hair away from what I want to do.
However, this does not mean I've done nothing. No, on the contrary, I completed my edits to my WIP and have a Creative Writing major in college looking it over. I have all the parts ready to submit to ABNA (tonight) and I'm saving money toward paying an editor to go through my WIP and take it from good to great.
There is a sense of accomplishment just getting something finished and into other hands. I know it is the strongest piece I've written yet, though I don't think it is strong enough to sell... not yet, at least. I am starting to understand the importance of walking away from a piece though, take a week (or four) and do nothing related to a project and not only will you see errors you were blind to before, but you will also have a renewed love interest in the work, rather than tired annoyance.
With my WIP in the hands of another I've started outlining another manuscript. It is connected to the WIP I just waved good-bye to so I may not do much with it for a week or so. Just let it marinate and maybe explore completely different ideas as well. I've had many, but none of them make my blood race and keep me awake half the night as the characters, world and over arching plot of Isaiah and his friends. Maybe I need to learn how to fall in love with several ideas, acknowledging my passion for all, but bouncing between them for actual work. I just have to convince my heart it really isn't cheating, it's more like having three or four children, not three or four husbands. ;) I think that might be my next writing goal - have 3 ideas for 3 unconnected books that I fall in love with. This might be a struggle, but I'll let you know how it goes.
Well, self-discipline hasn't been going great. This month at work - it's been crazy. Quite a bit of overtime which is nice but creative inspiration has been sucked dry. I've just been tired.
I have been slowly working on my WIP, though, by writing scenes that need to be plugged in since I re-outlined everything in August. This outline help me see the holes in my story lines and now I'm trying to fill them in. One scene a week. At this rate I might be done in 10 years :p
But I have a new motivator in place. Something that might just make me get off my butt and work even when I'm tired. The Amazon Breakthrough Novel. I tried it last year, but with only a week's notice and only having my first real manuscript complete I didn't have much of a chance. Even now, I'm not sure I really have a chance, but I have until Feb 2 to prep so I have a better chance than last year and, I think, a better story.
This means I have two months to fill in the holes in my WIP, do a read through, edit, polish, and prep a killer proposal. No problem :P But it's a tangible goal. Something for me to work toward and though I'll be up against 10,000 other awesome manuscripts, I think I have a better chance this year and I know I'll learn something. God willing, I will have the best manuscript yet to submit to the contest. It might not be good enough to win, but if I stick with it, I'll definitely have the best I've ever done and, hopefully, a bit of guidance on how my best can become even greater.
Never aim low. Aim for the greatest you an possibly imagine and allow the Father to take you there. He wants the best for you and for me. I have yet to have a clue what the best is, but I keep aiming high, working hard, and waiting to see what He has in mind. Because whatever it is, will be awesome :)
So it's been awhile since I actually worked on my writing or updated anything on this site, but the month of September was the month of job training and moving half way across the country. Now I'm in Colorado trying to get settled in and hoping to establish a writing plan soon.
I am taking a couple of classes online. One is a basic writing class given by Holly Lisle providing guidance on how to write as a career: how to plan, how to write, how to get set up with agents/editors. The other class I'm taking is on how to write an excellent query letter to win over agents and editors. Both are excellent, though I haven't been able to put the time into either one that I would like. I am saving all the information so I can continuously refer to it again.
Now, I haven't been updating my tips page because I've been in between places with internet and such, but I do have three weeks hand written so I'll get back on those. I've even added a reminder on my computer to help me. I'm going to learn to be disciplined... slowly. Eventually :)
Okay, so I've been ignoring the piles in desperate need of sorting around my apartment and making those painful decisions on what will go and what will be trashed. Instead I have been working on my WIP. Always more fun. :)
Anyway, I realized something a few days ago. I had partially figured out my idea of the calendar for this world (remember this is a fantasy) by naming the months and knowing I wanted a solstice based calendar. But then I stopped and never returned to it. I figured that was enough information and all would be fine. However, as I continue to edit I realized I'm having trouble seeing the flowing of the story in my head. I didn't clearly know how much time had passed between some chapters and I couldn't tell if I had a huge gap in there. Now, a reader might not notice most of this, but as a writer I should know so much more about my story than my readers. I should be seeing scenes through my characters' eyes and in the same context as my characters, but I didn't understand this pivotal aspect of their lives.
Therefore, about four days ago I sat down with a notebook, the list with the names of my months, and some basic information on elements and solstices. (This story uses a lot of aspects of the elements in different areas, including the calendar). After two days and probably ten hours or more I had a satisfactory calendar consisting of twelve months, each with thirty days. I had thought of adding a thirteenth month but I considered a "rule" I've read several times about fantasy and science fiction - the world should feel different to the readers but they should still be able to relate to it. I don't know how much it would throw readers if there was a thirteenth month.
To help me wrap my mind around the calendar more I put two years, month by month, into the computer using a Word template. For the first year at the bottom of each day's box I wrote the comparable date according to the Julian calendar. For example: Adar Yino 1 is December 21. Or my main character's birthday is Adar Yino 24 which is January 13.
In addition to my yearly calendar I have also completed a detailed class list for all six years of the school my main character is attending. This calendar was complicated, even more than the yearly calendar, because the school is divided into four large groups - halls or houses - kind of a play off the Chinese university system and Hogwarts houses. But one class cannot have all four groups in it so I had to figure out each teachers' schedules to know when they could teach 1st years in Inore and Tolom and then when they could teach 5th years in Etama and Sonen. Some of these teachers have awful schedules and I'm considering bringing in a couple extra teachers - at least for the advanced level classes (like AP classes) for later years.
All of this has given me a bizarre sense of satisfaction which I won't even try to explain - I like making schedules, but it also reminded me how important it is for the writer to know these tiny details of his/her world whether fantasy or not. Some things you can gloss over and readers will never be the wiser, but some things will leave the reader feeling like something is missing, even if they can't say what exactly - but the story lacks depth.
Writers, it is our job to create illusions of depth and grandeur in our books, but it's much easier if we know more of the depths we are alluding to. Okay, that's my 2 cents for today :) It's a long road. But I'll get there one step at a time. Perseverance and faith keep me going, along with an intense desire to learn and improve my craft. The workshops are fascinating. :)
This week has been positively crazy leaving me completely exhausted and distracted. Except on writing. That seems to be the only thing that can hold my attention for more than 20 minutes. So that's what I've been working on. In a brief analysis of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire I realized there are at least 10 stories (plot, subplots and threads) in that book. My current WIP only has 7. :p
As I was thinking about the ten different stories in Goblet of Fire I realized that only about four or five of them actually are focused on Harry. The others are focused on the other characters like Crouches, or Fred and George, or Hermione and Ron. So this got me thinking (as I couldn't focus on anything else, why not...right?) who else in my story could have at least a thread. My main character has probably four stories revolving around him and there's a couple stories focused on his best friend. I've hinted at another story to do with another friend and even one of the adults in the story, but never actually develop them. Perhaps I could build on those two threads. Also, there are some older brothers in the story who could get a thread and even the nemesis, maybe. So many options and so many distractions :)
I know I want to follow at least one of the older brothers in the story for a thread which meant I needed more details about class schedules and such, so I spent two days figuring out ten different teachers' class schedules for six years of teaching. Some of their schedules are quite horrible. Maybe I'll bring in a part time teacher, at least for the advanced level classes offered to older students. 2 days or something like 8 hours late, I can tell you where all the student characters are at most of the day...and I can tell you where my main character will be more the next six years of his life. Fun details, perhaps a bit excessive, but the information will be necessary even if the older brother thread doesn't really work out. I'll keep these schedules and use them to write all the books I have planned around this main character (probably five).
Now it’s Saturday and I spent a couple hours doing grading (like the good teacher I am) and about a half hour working on a grad paper (like the bad student I am). And the paper isn't done yet, but I simply can't focus on it. I know what it needs but I can't seem to write it in a clear way or have even the tiniest desire to find the information I am still lacking. Oh, and the paper is due today :p. So here I set writing a blog because I can't seem to do anything productive. Maybe I'm too tired, overwhelmed or lazy...not sure which.
I do know that writing is what is filling my mind these days and I wonder if I am using my passion as an excuse not to do the things that are necessary or if it is simply something I need to do sometimes. Maybe if I write for awhile, I will get more of a focus back and be able to write more on my paper today. This is what I keep telling myself. Perhaps I am deluding myself or perhaps this is an element of being a writer.
Anyway, I know that which must done will be done, eventually, even if time in the expected or required time frame. I think I've been in China too long...deadlines are so optional!! :)
27year old administrative coordinator for the Communications department of a non-profit in a new state, Colorado. Welcome to my life of eternal transition!
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